


In the Absence of Love

by trollmela



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Multi, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 19:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16181258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trollmela/pseuds/trollmela
Summary: Daniel jerked off to fantasies of his friends. It wasn’t a problem until P2X-247.





	In the Absence of Love

**Author's Note:**

> As the summary already says, the relationship only takes place in a fantasy.

It started like this: they visited a new planet, saw many trees, found a village, met a few people. The locals were friendly enough, but clearly suspicious. Oral history remembered the Goa’uld, but they didn’t recognize Teal’c as a jaffa. SG-1 could deal with suspicion.

They were invited to the feast, drank moderately and went to bed late. Until that point, business as usual. Daniel didn’t expect the morning to be any different. He crawled out of bed just as Jack was sitting up on the other side of the room looking unusually bleary-eyed.

“Those were some dreams,” he said mostly to himself and rubbed his hand over his face in an attempt to wake up. Daniel didn’t ask.

But Yuron, the local village chief, did.

“I hope you had pleasant dreams?” He inquired, and while Daniel would have expected that question to be directed at the whole group, Yuron was only looking at Jack.

And Jack, because he wasn’t the idiot military grunt he often pretended to be, and because he was very suspicious himself, frowned in a way that Daniel knew could quickly turn into a glare.

“Not sure I’d call them pleasant. They were... interesting, I suppose. Strange.” And there was the first hint of his glare. “What was in the wine?”

“A tonic we often give to our visitors. It reveals to you, as the leader of your group, the most shameful secrets of your followers.”

Daniel would have sworn that even Teal’c paled. He himself forgot to breathe for a few seconds, frantically thinking what his most shameful secret could possibly be. Sam turned very red.

Jack turned to them, looking at each of them in turn, then said to Yuron:

“I would understand if _you_ wanted to know our most shameful secrets. But what’s the point of me knowing them?”

Yuron spread his hands. “That’s simply how the tonic works. We’ve found it to be a successful test.”

Jack nodded slowly. “I think I understand. Some of your visitors might have found a reason to quarrel amongst themselves over those ‘most shameful secrets’. The potential alone... affairs, murder plots. And that would tell you in turn a lot about them.”

Yuron nodded. Jack looked at them again. “Well, I can safely say that I did not dream of any murder plots.”

Daniel felt every bone and muscle in his body lock. No murder plots; but perhaps an affair or two. He purposefully didn’t look at Sam. Jack caught his eye, but Daniel couldn’t read him. He was beginning to have a small inkling of what his own shameful secret could be.

They all managed to remain professional. Yuron appeared to be satisfied enough that their group wouldn’t fall apart and agreed to give them a Naquadah sample from their mines.

The way back to the gate was quiet. They were within sight when Jack stopped.

“Okay, let’s get this out of the way.” He turned to them. “Whatever I saw, your ‘most shameful secrets’ or not, we don’t need to talk about it. I didn’t dream of anything that would want me to remove anyone on this team.”

He gave each of them a significant look. Daniel almost had the feeling that the look Jack threw him was longer, but it probably only seemed to him that way.

“Sir, I don’t think that will work,” Carter said.

Jack closed his eyes and gave an exaggerated sigh.

“And why not?”

“We should know what you know or possibly know of us,” T’ealc added, and Daniel nodded his agreement.

“Fine.” Jack breathed out another sigh. “Once we’re back at the SGC, we can talk. One on one. As far as I’m concerned, nothing needs to change.”

They agreed with that and returned back to earth for a session in creative report writing.

 

By now Daniel had a pretty good, or rather, terrible idea of what his own secret might have been. He liked to think that he really didn’t have that many shameful secrets. Doubtlessly there were some embarrassing memories, like that time he smoked pot for the first time in college, or the one when he locked himself out of his dorm room while naked. Such things happened, and he didn’t like to remember those episodes, but he didn’t think that would be a big deal. Other things, however, could be a big deal.

Thursday, Jack finally dropped by his office.

“Beer and game tonight?” He asked, as he did from time to time. But this wasn’t like usual, Daniel knew. It was his turn for that one-on-one conversation.

“Seven with pizza?”

Jack nodded.

It was seven fifteen by the time Daniel arrived, and it wasn’t only because he’d had to wait for the pizza. He saw Jack through the kitchen window, and the front door was unlocked. Daniel didn’t feel as relieved as usual to be in from the cold. Still, he put his shoes and jacket where he always put them, handed the piping hot pizza to Jack who took it to the couch table where the beer was already waiting, wet with condensation.

The tv wasn’t on, and Daniel didn’t reach for the pizza. He suddenly didn’t feel hungry.

“So, ah... should I guess what you saw or could you give me a hint?”

Jack grimaced. “Funny how you all ask me that.” He sat down across from Daniel.

So he’d been right, and Teal’c and Sam had already had their conversation.

“Okay, I’ll give you the highlights. You’re in the SGC shower feeling depressed. Then Sam shows up and she starts kissing you under the spray.”

Daniel winced. He wondered how far that dream went.

“Then I show up.”

He considered contemplating the floor, but he owed it to Jack to look him in the face. Even if cheeks felt like they were glowing in the dark.

“And then the three of us neck in the shower.”

“Was there anyone else?” Daniel had to ask.

Jack raised an eyebrow. “The depths, Daniel, I’m discovering.” It was a relief that clearly Jack hadn’t lost his sense of sarcastic humor over this. “No, no one else. No Teal’c.”

“No, he wouldn’t have been-“ Daniel grimaced. “Listen, it’s...”

“Do you want to think for a moment about what you want to tell me?” Jack interrupted him.

Daniel shook his head and stubbornly pushed on. “I’m not in love with you. That’s not what it’s about.”

That made Jack hesitate. Clearly that was what he’d thought, that Daniel had a crush on him and Sam.

“Or Sam. I don’t have a crush on you, either of you, and it’s not even personal. Or well, it is, but not in the way you’re thinking.”

Jack stared at him. “Okay,” he drawled, leaning back into the cushions. “Then I’m all out of ideas.”

Daniel took a breath. “It’s not about a crush, or looks, or attraction. It’s about trust.” He ran a hand through his hair. Maybe Jack didn’t want to hear all of this, but he needed to get it out. “I get off on fantasies of my friends because the Playmate of the month doesn’t do it for me.” He swallowed and reached for the beer. “Not anymore.” Daniel drank.

Jack was sitting on the arm chair opposite him, leaning forward again and onto his elbows that he’d put on his sprawled thighs. Daniel hadn’t found himself before to be the object Jack was studying, at least not consciously.

Daniel was objective about people. He acknowledged when someone was handsome or pretty. He didn’t have a crush on Jack, but he was aware that Jack wasn’t lacking in the attractive category. Personally, he liked Jack’s eyes best.

“I think it started after Hathor.” He picked at the label of the beer. “Thoughts of random women didn’t do it anymore for me after that, but I didn’t notice for a while. I had Sha’re.” He drank again. “We didn’t have much time at all, Jack. But it meant a lot to me. I missed her, often. But maybe the most at night. And when you wake up for weeks in a row with a hard-on but there’s nothing you can let go to-- it was frustrating. But I had good memories of Sha’re, so I was fine.” He shook his head and glance up to see Jack still watching him. Maybe there was less intensity to his gaze and more obvious sympathy because he knew what came next.

“I don’t have those images anymore.” He could feel the tears coming on but he willed them away for now. Maybe later he’d have time. “I know they’re in my head somewhere.” He tapped his finger against his forehead. “But when I try to see them, I can only see her dead.”

Daniel glanced down and opened the hand he’d unconsciously clenched around his bottle.

“So. I couldn’t think of her, and then I realized that conjuring up some anonymous pornographic image wasn’t helping me get off either. I couldn’t relax. I realized that there was no trust, and that left me cold. Even if I didn’t put myself in the picture... it just wasn’t working.” He shrugged.

“But you trust your friends,” Jack concluded.

“Yeah. Which is how... that started.” Daniel shrugged again. “It worked. I figured there wasn’t any harm in it. Not like you’d ever know.” He laughed bitterly. “Should’ve figured.” He looked Jack in the eye. “It’s not you. I mean, it is, but in a way it’s not. It’s more like imagining yourself with a character; you fantasize about having sex with a character, but that doesn’t mean you’d actually want to sleep with the actor.”

Jack finally picked up his beer. “Quite the metaphor.” He drank, his eyes somewhere on the wall or the ceiling behind Daniel. “I suppose that makes sense though. I thought it was pretty tame for a sexual fantasy: kissing in the shower. The threesome aside, of course; and the gay aspect; and the fact that you’re setting your fantasy in the SGC showers of all places.”

Daniel shrugged. “Can’t say that I put much thought into the setting.” He picked at the beer label some more, finally succeeding in peeling a bit of it off and leaving bits of glue and paper under his fingernails.

“I’m sorry,” Jack unexpectedly said. “I should have asked how you were dealing ... with Sha’re’s death earlier. But I remember how it was after Charlie’s death for me. I was waiting for someone to ask, but at the same time knew that my reaction wouldn’t have been pretty. So I hoped that nobody would.”

“It’s... lonely. And now I don’t have any hope anymore of seeing her one day. No chance of being together again. Knowing that it’s permanent...”

Daniel quickly rubbed the side of his face before the tears could come. He knew he talked too much. But perhaps Jack knew better than most what that loneliness felt like. Jack was nodding. Perhaps he missed it too: coming home and hugging his wife; hugging his son. He wouldn’t get either of those back ever again either. Sex they could find easily enough. Intimacy, especially the kind that had time to grow, not so much.

“Have you considered talking to anyone?”

Daniel snorted. “Like who? MacKenzie?”

Jack winced. “No, not him. Someone else. There’s a therapist here in town. Dr. Allen Martins. When I came back from the Abydos mission, I started seeing him. He’s a good guy.”

Daniel thought about it. Intellectually, he knew he probably should talk to a therapist.

“What am I going to tell him? That my alien wife was taken as the host of an alien parasite and my alien team mate killed her?”

“Skip a few of the details. Tell him your wife was killed while under the influence of brain washing. If you want, that is. I’ll dig out the card for you. No pressure. When you’re ready, you can call him. Or someone else.”

Daniel didn’t reply. Eventually, Jack got up. He went into the hallway where he kept his phone and the phone book. When he returned, he put a business card down on the table next to Daniel’s beer. Daniel picked it up.

“Okay,” he sighed. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I’m asking Daniel. And if you do it: I’d prefer if you do it for yourself. Not for me.”

“Not even knowing that I jerk off to your face?”

Jack grimaced. “I’d appreciate it if you never say it to my face like that.” He paused. “Ignore the pun. I’d rather forget. I mean, whatever does it for you Daniel, but … well… let’s put this one under ‘don’t tell’. And, if you don’t mind, this conversation is over. You want another beer?”

Daniel nodded with relief and handed him his empty one.


End file.
